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Having a conversation with an angry teen is not something for the squeamish. Add the step-parent dynamic to this, and you have a whole new level of anger and blame. Even though my teen step children have lived me for quite a few years now, there is still quite a bit of tension between us. With one in particular, we seem to have hit the worst time of our relationship. I know many of you in blended families are in the same situation, or will find yourself in it soon, and today, I have found a way that helped us both to have a conversation about something that usually ends up with her screaming, and me so mad I can’t talk through my tears. Involve a 3rd party that is known to both of you. This has to be someone you both you both respect, or it won’t make a difference. Let me share with how this dynamic made the biggest impact on a reoccurring sensitive topic in my home.
All the ‘experts’ tell us not to get into a screaming match with an immature teen, but I wonder how many of them have actually been face to face with an angry young adult who thinks they are invincible, and more importantly, right. We all try to speak in rational tones, let them know that their behavior isn’t acceptable, and that we’ll discuss it later when we’re both calmer. But that usually lasts about 5 seconds, doesn’t it?
This afternoon, I knew had to talk with my daughter about something she had done this morning, but I also knew that the moment I brought it up, her arms would cross tight across her chest, and her head would bob like she was acting in a bad rap video as she proceeded to tell me what a loser I was and how she just wanted to go ‘home’. ‘Home’ in our case is what she calls her biological mother’s, 3,0000 miles away. The mother who doesn’t want her, doesn’t talk to her, and doesn’t even send birthday or Christmas cards. But she knows this is her ace, and she’ll play it whenever she can. She does it because she really thinks getting away from me, and her sisters, will end all of her problems. She hurts her father so much with this, that he tells her if that’s what she really wants, she can have the bus ticket to go. I know he doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t want her to go, because even if the mother does take her in, we both know this won’t solve anything. But we have such a hard time getting her to listen to this while she is angry, and talking to her later always results in her just acquiescing because she’s over what was bothering her, and doesn’t want to talk about it.
I knew I had to talk to her while she was in the middle of her crisis, and get her to talk to me, not scream. So I did something I vowed never to do: I involved someone else in our problem. By taking her to a different environment, and not saying one word about the problem until we were there, at the table, with the witness, we were able to say what we wanted to say. It wasn’t all peaches and cream, angry words were still spoken, by both of us, unfortunately. But we both kept our tempers in check, and chose our words more carefully. I chose someone who was close to our family, not a professional therapist, because this person knew my daughter, and my daughter knew she couldn’t tell any of her stories to skew the situation in her favor. So instead of playing the sympathy ploy, which she uses quite skillfully at both church and school, she just threw herself back in her chair and said what she wanted to say. And I said what I needed to say. Our referee didn’t say one word, she didn’t even make eye contact with either one of us. She was a silent bystander, but her presence forced both my daughter and me to discuss our problem a little more rationally. No slamming doors, no pushing, no screaming. I also found that once I was able to talk to my daughter, and get her to say what she felt, that I had more compassion for her and her pain. I know this won’t be the last I hear of this, but it’s the first time she looked me straight in the eye and listened to what I was saying to her. I mean the first time ever.
Having someone my daughter and I both both respected, and who knew each of us quite well, witness our argument, without taking sides in any way, was the best thing I have done yet in trying to communicate to my teen daughter. I hope you find this tactic a worthy new weapon in your fight to *blend.
I read your piece and I am here sitting at my wits end just having the biggest fight with my step daughter. A huge fight where she phyically attcked me in front of my children and her sister. I was so stunned and wacthed my children scarded while trying to protact myself. How do you handle this in front of others.
Hi Mary,
I have talked with other parents who have children the same age as mine, and while it’s sad, I have found that some of them have had the same type of confrontations with their own biological children as you and I had (have) with our stepchildren.
The same child I wrote about above is the one that physically confronted me. Both of my bio daughters witnessed it, and so did 1 of my other steps. She was going to storm out the front door after I tried talking to her about how she treated one of her sisters at school that day. I stood by the front door and she pushed me, then tried to slap my face. I can’t say that I handled it correctly, at least based on what ‘experts’ in books have to say. In hindsight, I probably should have let her storm out the door, because I know she would have gone straight to grandmother’s house just a few blocks away, and she would be safe. But I was very angry, and the look on the other kids faces when she did it broke my heart. They were obviously scared, and I knew that it had a certain affect on my bios because they had seen a lot of violence with their bio father. I have the advantage of being tall and muscular, so her pushing me didn’t do much. When she went to slap me, I grabbed her wrist and just held is out in front of her. We got into a kind of staring match standing there at the front door in that posture. She thought she could give me the “hate you” face and I would give in, but I was so upset, and shocked, that I said nothing, did nothing, just held her wrist (tightly) and stared back. I was careful not to glare or smirk, I wanted her to learn that her actions got her nothing.
I hope that she, and the kids watching, learned that violence and threat of violence, doesn’t get you anything. I hope they learned that just because you are physically capable of overpowering another, you don’t have to. I hope these things, but I don’t know if they are true.
I do know that having the others witness it was a good thing. Especially since it wasn’t just my bios who could be accused of being biased and covering for their Mom. Sure enough, the next day, the story was that I had attacked HER, that I was making her my slave to do all of the housework,and that I hated her. She said she tried to get out the door to get away from me hitting her. The step daughter that witnessed it stopped her sister in the middle of her lie, told her she should stop causing so much trouble at HOME, and that NAY was taking care of them better than they ever had it with their mother, and that all of the sisters were tired of her lies and weren’t covering for her anymore. She had crossed a line that even their closeness as blood-related sisters wouldn’t allow. And we all grew a little from it.
It was because of this incident, and how bad it could for been for our entire family if she continued to tell her story about what happened that day, that I knew I had better find a way to get through to her.
We still have problems, we still argue, she still tells stories and twists things that happen, but nothing on this level.
I know that nothing I have said may help you in your situation. All kids are different, all families are different, and you are not me. My best advice is to use the fact that the other kids saw it to your advantage, even if it doesn’t better your relationship with the one who attacked you, use it to teach the others, and if you wish you had handled it differently, tell them. Tell them what you would have done, and why. I hope there’s not a next time for you, but if there is, you’ll be prepared. And they will know, as well.
One more thing - depending on the age and mental maturity of the stepdaughter, I think that regardless of your size or strength relative to her, a strong, unwavering stance, and deflecting an attack is best. Don’t cower, but don’t take it, either. If this was a one-time incident, you all can grow. If she EVER does it again, involve the police. Period. The more violence she gets away with, the more she will use it, putting you and the other children at risk.
Please - let me know how things are going….